I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
