Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
