I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
