She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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