also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
