Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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