This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
