theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You're like the curious george of whores
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
