you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
