a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
