my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We need to rekindle our bromance
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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