I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
