Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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