He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
