Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
