I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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