if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
