i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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