We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
