and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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