My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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