My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
