God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
