You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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