Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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