if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
