I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
