Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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