I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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