there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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