I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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