alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
