I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
