woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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