Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis