I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
