dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
