Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she smelled like a LAN party
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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