If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my poor anus
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
