she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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