p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
