No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
