worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
