But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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