there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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