I'm an idiot
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."