I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
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He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates