I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
