____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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