I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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