smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
