He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
