Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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