His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
