Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
