Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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