I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
