I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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